If you need a reason to send your husband to the store at 7:30 on a school night whilst you vacuum every last corner of your house and scald the sheets, there’s nothing like an infestation of head lice to get you off your arse. Oh yes, I said head lice. On January 1, 2008, I bestowed the honor of Worst Mother Ever onto myself for having excused my eldest daughter’s itchy head for days as no more than cold, dry weather. I mean, I suffer from itchy winter scalp, so why shouldn’t have I supposed that she does, as well?

But as Hannah was walking past me the other night, freshly showered and still wet, I noticed that her neck was red and raw. When I questioned her about it, she told me that she just couldn’t stop itching. I called my husband over to have a look and it was when I lifted her hair off her neck that I knew, without a doubt, she had lice. I’ve always been under the impression that lice are tiny and difficult to see, but not these little buggers. They were massive, and they swarmed the nape of her neck.

Oh crap, I uttered. In hindsight, that probably wasn’t the most appropriate initial reaction to the situation, but I was thinking of the fact that Hannah had just spent New Year’s Eve with a friend and how I had the unfortunate task of calling friend’s parents.

My outburst caused Hannah to dissolve in tears. She knows how it is, after all, the taunting and name-calling and leper-like stigma that is associated with head lice. No amount of soothing and back rubbing could repair her damaged ego. To make matters worse, her six-year-old curmudgeon-of-a-brother threatened to tell everyone at school of her lice infestation. I’m gonna tell! I’m gonna tell! he sang, in a way that made even me, his own mother, want to punch him in the mouth.

So as Hannah sat in isolation on the hardwood floor in the middle of our living room with nothing but a towel around her, I sent my husband out for RID as I commenced boiling sheets, towels, coats, hats, blankets, and anything else my daughter’s head may have touched. I called the school office and the school nurse and left messages that, yes I know the kids are supposed to return to school tomorrow, seeing as how they’ve had more than a week off for Christmas break, but Hannah won’t be there due to a case of head lice. I then called friend’s dad who, although his reception was rather cool upon receiving the news, informed me that their medicine cabinet is well-stocked with RID.

Finally, I called my mother-in-law and asked, as a favor, that she please call our Irish kin, those fair-headed, pink-cheeked cherubs, who had been in close contact with my little sassafras, to inform their mother, my sister-in-law, of the news. As if sharing our colds weren’t enough, I thought they’d like a case of the itchies, as well. Incidentally, my mother-in-law had previously wondered if Hannah’s itching might be lice-related. Like the good mother-in-law she is, however, she didn’t want to get involved by questioning my mad mothering skilz. Damn it, woman! This is lice we’re talking about. Speak up! You gotta love the fact that she doesn’t like to meddle, but sometimes you just have to meddle.

With RID finally in hand, I spent the next hour and a half with poor Hannah bent over the tub, washing and combing and washing and combing and picking and inspecting. I used this mother-daughter bonding moment to talk about the importance of proper hygiene, in general, and of lice prevention, such as not sharing personal items. I am a bit flummoxed as to wear she contracted lice, considering she hasn’t been in school since December 20th and we have had the lice talk many times. She swears north, south, east, and west that she has not been sharing things at school. However, there is an 8-10 day period from when nits hatch and become lice, so it’s possible she could have contracted lice just before the break.

So the question remains, are they gone? I have to do another shampoo treatment again in a week. I’m also going to do a daily head check on my husband and other children. I had my husband check my head, but apparently he is clueless as to what he is supposed to be looking for, despite having seen the lice on Hannah’s head. What the hell? Either you see them, or you don’t! Of course his ambivalence has done nothing to assuage my paranoia and phantom itching. Wait! I thought I saw one jump. Or, er, maybe not. Who the hell am I supposed to have check my head? To top it all off, I noticed Hannah using MY brush the other day. OY! I’m seriously considering asking the school nurse to give me a once-over . . .

If you haven’t had enough lice talk, read about how to get rid of head lice.

You can also check out a list of frequently asked questions.

This fact, from this site should make Hannah feel a bit better: “Head lice like clean, healthy heads the best!” I just may feel left out if I don’t get my own infestation of lice. I swear, my head is clean too!

Now, excuse me while I go contort myself in front of the mirror and inspect my head. Geez, if having a leg fungus weren’t enough . . .

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I just spoke to the school nurse this morning. Once you have applied a shampoo treatment to a lice-infested head, you can then follow-up with the following remedy:

Miracle Whip, gooped on the scalp and left on for a period of six hours, covered with a disposable shower cap. Do this every four days for a period of three weeks. The vinegar kills any live lice while the goopiness of the Miracle Whip works to loosen any eggs. And, you get shiny hair to boot! **I would suggest that with a small child, you DO NOT send her to bed with a shower cap on her head. You never know.**

PS - When using an over-the-counter pediculicide, such as RID or NIX, follow the directions CAREFULLY! You are basically putting an insecticide on your child’s head. There are other natural remedies out there, and had I not been totally freaked out by Hannah’s massive infestation, I would have taken the time to do some thorough research. With all the reading I have been doing on the subject of lice, one thing is conclusive: there is no substitution for human persistence. It’s the parent who must be vigilant of checking for nits and lice every few days for at least a month.

Likewise, health experts warn against using “lice sprays” for furniture and upholstery, as they can be potentially dangerous to small children and animals. Additionally, DO NOT use a pediculicide just as a a “precaution” against nits and lice. The best thing you can do is check often around the nape of the neck and behind the ears.

So let the fun begin!